scarlet tinted suburbia ... open 24 hours

Why do I always do this? I promised myself I wouldn't feel this way yet again. EVERY single time I am about to go back to school from a break, I freak out. The whole time I'm on break, I am bitching that I'm bored, annoyed, quiet, sober. Now, the night before the end of my longest break from school on record, and I'm suddenly having a heart attack. Homework, class, papers, my fucked up feelings for my best friend and his dire need to sleep with all my closest girl friends? I'm afraid of the fear, the intimidation, and the hurt. Yet, this is what I wanted every second of this summer....... right?
With Nadnerb2.. will it come back? Okay, so sleeping with him when he visited a week ago wasn't exactly one of my more brilliant strategies. But I certainly wasn't thinking about all the ensuing feelings that would inevitably arise while we were drunk and hooking up. Yiiiikes.
Now, I'm paralyzed with this sudden anxious fear. Am I going to mess up big time? Will this be the last straw for my parents? Can I obtain respectable grades, become the kid they're proud of, like I was in high school? And for the love of God, will I ever, in a million years, finally be able to push my feelings for Nadnerb2 out of my brain?
Stay tuned.. for a fun filled whirlwind of personal growth as another year at ANILO starts in T minus 1 day.....
Song to download: Janis Joplin - Piece of my Heart

hmm well its been about a year and a half since i have written anything. that means ill just have to skip right over the second half of senior year, my entire first year of college, and 2 summer vacations somewhere in there. ha.. sort of funny. i can hardly think of anything thats still the same in my life since the last time i posted.
currently i am passing time in new jersey, waiting waiting waiting (semi)patiently for school to start again... college, the place where i seem to have found my place. lots of friends, lots of knowledge, and more than anything, lots of new experiences. i couldnt be happier with school. i am indeed very pleased.
but besides that, what else have i got? i suppose lots of things. a great family, a good group of buddies here at home, a nice summer job. i went on some great trips with my friends and family, including spending time in florida, the adirondacks, and buffalo. i have plans to go skydiving in a few weeks. my best friend, whose family moved to florida, is coming up to stay with me in a week. these passed few days i got to see 2 of my best friends from college and i had an awesome time.
i could go on about all the nice things i have gotten to do and all the wonderful endeavors i have to look forward to, but i think the underlying point i am trying to make, as well as what i think i was trying to get at when i coined the title and description of this journal 3 whole years ago, is that despite my cake life and all the fun things i do, i still cannot help but feel unfullfilled. what could possibly be missing? this past spring time, just like every other spring time for years, despite having a great time at college, i found myself stuck in my debilitating debris of self destruction and depression (try to say that 5 times fast..) though this summer, like every summer before, i have pushed myself out of the mess my mind gets itself in, i still experience these periods of extreme down and extreme up. one day, i am feeling so amped about my life and my friends and i listen to upbeat songs and think about how easily i can relate. the next day, im feeling so sad and bored and useless to the point of severe restlessness and anger. i dont understand why it goes like that.
i also have privacy issues. i know, it is ironic to state such when here i am typing to an online journal. but the truth is, this is really for myself. no one else reads this. no one else even knows i have one, so to me, its the same as scribbling in a journal. except my hands arent as tired.

i like that this journal starts at a time when i had a serious boyfriend. my last serious boyfriend, actually. though i didnt know it at the time. i like reading the past entries.. because it makes me happy that i felt that way once. i had a very difficult breakup that carried on for far too long. i really didnt stop letting it bother me until i went away to college and occupied my mind with my new world. before that, i guess i can say maybe november 04 to august 05 was probably the worst time of my life. i know that part of my problem is that i refused to discuss my feelings with anyone, not even my best friend in the whole world, whom i have nothing against. i just didnt want to feel vulnerable, be an emotional train wreck, and also be that friend that leans on everyone and vomits up all feelings going through their head. as much as i love my friends that do that to me, i never want to exasperate someone else with problems they dont have anything to do with. xela, my best friend, lectures me constantly about this behavior. but the truth is that i like my feelings with me. anyway, during my hellish ordeal, my bottled up emotions tended to rear their ugly head externally in ways i couldnt explain or control. i lashed out at people, would suddenly start crying at the most inopportune times, and i had no idea how to express myself. i felt terrible, i was silently miserable, and more than anything, i felt so pathetic for letting one person get the absolute and utter best of me.. leaving all the people who tried to be there for me to deal with an ungrateful monster of a person who felt like she had nothing left and couldnt tell anyone about it.
even to this day, i find myself thinking about it. especially being home for summer break. home, remembering all the times i was here and in love, and here in utter pain. up at school, i knew neither of those feelings, and thus was able to get a fresh start on even ground. consequently, i have become quite attached to that place where i have such a lack of baggage.
here, i have constant reminders of my old life that, as i mentioned before, i have little left of. just memories.. which will drive you crazy in a place where the memories were once made. though i dont feel the extreme anger or the extreme sadness or even the extreme love anymore, i dont forget it, as much as id like to. and when there is little else to do but contemplate, my mind travels back to that time far too much, leaving me with this gut wrenching longing for my life to change again. i dont wish to travel back in time at all, which i suppose is the part that has changed between now and when i was going through my ordeal. i merely want the memories to go away. i desperately want for parts of my life still too fresh in my mind to become ancient history. im afraid home, the place i grew up, may never be the same again. perhaps because of these constant reminders, i should push myself away from this home. i suppose my life is destined to do something different, as i realize my time has been used up around here. i wait with great anticipation for my next maiden voyage.
Song to download: Radiohead - Let Down

"life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOOHOO-what a ride!"
I never thought I lived by such a motto, although, I find it fitting as of late.
I have always walked the tightrope thin line teetering on screwing up my life, but despite a few temporary losses of balance, I never actually fell. Until now. My lowest of lows.. and it's not even for a good cause. Boys are not a good cause.
I cannot help but feel conflicted, rejected, and manipulative. In short, I am heartbroken and desperate to fix things with Nadnerb, I am feeling burnt over the build up and (inevitable) end of something (I thought) was promising with Y-nnad, I am dabbling in dangerous liasions (sexually speaking) with Ippissi, and I am fulfilling the normalcy aspect by developing a crush on Fej. Oh, and I'm a pedophile, but that's seemingly irrelevant because I have enough morals to logically understand and dismiss that one. So just pretend I never said anything.
There's always something, though. Always. I can't pursue Fej with all these other feelings rummaging about my brain. I need to get over Y-nnad. The thing is.. I really thought there was something there. And I wonder what he thinks. I guess if there ever was anything he has pushed it away. Which kills me. In all honesty, if there was no Nadnerb factor, I would immerse myself in Y-nnad. I can't get over our 6 hour phone conversations (plural). I feel like him and I really worked in our opposites attract sort of way. I get him. And I don't want him to be alone any more. I like him more for giving up something for a friend. Even if that something was me. Most of the time I pretend like I didn't like him all that much. It works for the most part.. because I know that there will never be a time when I ever can be with Y-nnad.
I just want him to be okay. I want someone to listen to him. I want him to have a companion. Sometimes he seems really alone. These are not feelings of pity at all. I just can't understand why he's alone. And I honestly felt like I could make him not alone. And I sincerely wanted to. And I sincerely want to.
Yet.. simultaneously.. I'm excited to see Brendan tonight. I'm a pathetic, lying, manipulative bitch. Is this me supressing my feelings for his friend because I know it's what I'm supposed to do? I know I'm supposed to like Brendan, and, thus, I force myself to? I have no idea. All I know is that there are certain songs that remind me of Y-nnad and I play them constantly.
Song to download: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Wanted:
A Spooning Partner. No experience required.
Only stipulations: Cannot be an ex boyfriend, Cannot be involved or previously involved with any acquaintance of mine, Must live in a 30 mile radius (so Mississippi just misses the cutoff), Cannot be gay, oh and can't be weird.
Does such a person exist?!? Maybe I'm being too picky. If this is picky, I don't want to know what type of intellectually stimulating, sexually satisfying, and aesthetically pleasing spooning partner my non picky counterparts have come up with. Dear lord.
Bleeeeech.
I was thinking about holiday shopping, and when I was going to do it. It is virtually impossible. Whenever I am not working, I am doing college applications, and when I don't feel like doing that, I am doing an abundance of homework. There is never a point when all 3 of these things will be done. Well I guess by the time Christmas Eve rolls around, all my applications will be in. So, I will shoot for then. I suppose it is unrealistic to think that I could be efficient in buying gifts, seeing that I am not efficient at anything else.
Song to download: Brand New - Seventy times Seven

"They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell"
I wonder how long I will continue to write in this again before I take another year-long hiatus. I just re-read all my old entries from last year, and it is apparent the scene has changed. However, we have not reached a bow just yet. I would not even say that we are at intermission.
Today, I actually had a semi-fun experience filling out crapplications. Wake Forest asks thought provoking questions like "What outrages you?" "Discuss a piece of art that has meaning for you" and "What is your academic passion?" Granted, I have no idea what I am going to write for these seemingly arbitrary questions that more or less decide my future. However, let's take a moment to applaud Wake Forest for it's haphazard peculiarity that caught my attention for the first time as I marched through my applications like a mindless droid in Darth Vader's army.
I have been trying very hard not to call Nadnerb. However, I just can't help myself. I miss him. He is my best friend. It kills me that he is getting on with his life and I am in my own private hell. Perhaps he is too, sometimes I can sort of detect it in his voice. But he is doing a much better job at concealing it. In the back of my head he is always there. I still want to tell him funny things about my day, discuss our weekend plans, and look at him and know there is no other place I am more welcome. It kills me what I did to him. When I read that post I put up over a year ago all about him, I was almost floored. I felt this way? I can't remember the last time that I uttered any wonderful wisdom from him or discussed the fact that he is the world to me or worried about getting into certain colleges because he too, wants to get into those colleges. Honestly, in the back of my mind, this is all still true. Much to my chagrin I admit that I cannot let myself let him go, even though I know it is all my fault. I know that I have to, or I will just hurt him more. I still can't get over the carefree devotion that we were a year ago. Oh, the times they are changing.
Song to download: The Beatles - Within You Without You

In the paper today there is an entire section on Cherry Hill. ENTIRE SECTION. I picked up the paper and thought, "What writer ACTUALLY thinks Cherry Hill is special?" and then I noted the name of the writer, and it happened to be the mom of someone I went to school with from 3rd through 8th grade. I forgot that their mom was a writer, and it occured to me that the writer was from Cherry Hill and thats why they wrote it. But obviously some whackjob editor had to approve of the printing of said SECTION, so I figured there must be something to be said for it.
So I read through the article. Looked at the pictures for people that I knew. I recognized a couple people. And when I was done, I was left was this incredible, I don't know, loneliness. I felt disconnected from everything I grew up with, and right now I'm finding a hard time reasoning with why exactly I wanted to move. Cherry Hill is most certainly not perfect, and it isn't as nice as Medford. But it definitely has something I don't have any more: familiarity. I've noticed more and more just how important it is to know people that you grew up with. How much easier it is to feel like you know someone, how much I miss the way things used to be. I wanted to move because I wanted a change, but now I know that I could have made changes while staying right there in Cherry Hill.
I have always felt different here in Medford. While some people are great and awesome, I just never feel like most people like me by myself. It's weird, feeling like I put on an act all the time. It's like stepping out of yourself for a day and observing how you act, and realizing you don't know who you are. I know this sounds strange, but that's how I feel a lot.
I know if I had gone to high school in Cherry Hill it would not be what I picture in my head, because all my friends go to different schools. Nonetheless, I miss feeling at home. Like I belong somewhere.
I don't know what I'm saying and I don't feel like saying it any more. I could elaborate more but it's just all over the place. And I'm making myself depressed.

Song to download: Dexter Freebish - Leaving Town

Oh, uh, hey. I'm in a bullet mood. No, I don't want any bullets. I think Chris Rock is right when he says bullets should cost $5,000 dollars because then there would be no innocent bystanders. Whenever someone gets shot everyone would be like, "Damn he musta done SOMETHIN..." Chris Rock is the best.
It just occured to me I don't know how to do bullets on the computer, unless it's via Microsoft Word.
- Dashes shall have to suffice
- I hope I did okay on the SATs, although I'm not too worried because it is October and I am a Junior so I have plenty of time to improve. Although I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me because I had a tutor, so I don't know if I'll tell people what I got on the PSATs. Plus, I lied to some people about what I got on the PSATs sophomore year, the truth is nobody actually knows what I got except for my parents and me. So, some people are going to think my tutor did nothing for me, which I think is kind of funny. I don't know if I'm going to tell anyone what I got this time. I most likely will, I'm just nervous. As far as intelligence goes, I REALLY REALLY care what people think of me. It sounds dumb, but honest nonetheless.
- It's over and done with and the only college I want to go to (that I actually can get into) is George Washington. It is definitely my first choice school. In November we're going to Boston to see colleges I would love to go to but are more difficult to get into. I think we're going to see Tufts, Boston University, and Boston College, and we're also going to see Colby and Bowdoin in Maine. In November Nadnerb is going to see Tufts, Amherst, Colby and Bowdoin, and I'm afraid he's going to LOVE one of those and make it his first choice. Because he can get into said schools. Right now George Washington is both of our first choices. He claims he wants to go to a school where he can stand out, not where he is just one of the crowd, and that's one reason that he likes GW. But I don't know, I really believe he'll end up loving one of those schools, or another one he likes such as Middlebury or something, and he'll realize that he can get in and he'll make that school his first choice. Contrary to what I've just said, I'm really trying not to think about it.
- I have no money. Sometimes I miss Izzies.
- I want my license. I also want a Dodge Neon.
- Nadnerb and I are great. And Xela and Nadnerb's best friend Y-nnad are hitting it off quite well. I like the way they look together, and I really hope it works out. I'm trying not to get my hopes up about the whole thing, and I'm also trying not to get too involved in it. I don't want them to be dependent on me and Nadnerb, so we're kind of just letting the whole thing flow on its own, and if it happens, that'd be really great. And if it doesn't, we'll live. But I definitely have the best time with Nadnerb, Xela, and Y-nnad. It's hilarious.
- I wish my name, Nerual, looked cool backwards. Neur-al. That looks okay.
- I'm really worried about Anit. And I don't really know the extent of everything, I'm just afraid she's really really missing Ryan and she's letting it consume her. She is the type of person that let's things consume her. Of course, I really feel like I would be the same way. But I don't really know how she is in school and whatnot. I can imagine, though. I mean, she used to spend every day with him in school so I don't know how much school takes her mind off him. I am one to know about counting days until I get to see Nadnerb, but they're never more then 6 or 7 until that day on the weekend comes. Her's are weeks, counting the weeks. The worst worst part of my summer was when I spent 3 weeks without Nadnerb, and after those 3 weeks were up I got to see him every single day. She gets to see him for, what, a long weekend? That would kill me. And Tina is like me in some ways, we're definitely both relationship devotees. Serious relationships require serious committment. And yet, despite all the hard work relationships are, we wouldn't have it any other way.
- Big sigh.
Song to download: Earth, Wind, and Fire - September