Monday, August 07, 2006
life goes easy on me, most of the time.
hmm well its been about a year and a half since i have written anything. that means ill just have to skip right over the second half of senior year, my entire first year of college, and 2 summer vacations somewhere in there. ha.. sort of funny. i can hardly think of anything thats still the same in my life since the last time i posted.
currently i am passing time in new jersey, waiting waiting waiting (semi)patiently for school to start again... college, the place where i seem to have found my place. lots of friends, lots of knowledge, and more than anything, lots of new experiences. i couldnt be happier with school. i am indeed very pleased.
but besides that, what else have i got? i suppose lots of things. a great family, a good group of buddies here at home, a nice summer job. i went on some great trips with my friends and family, including spending time in florida, the adirondacks, and buffalo. i have plans to go skydiving in a few weeks. my best friend, whose family moved to florida, is coming up to stay with me in a week. these passed few days i got to see 2 of my best friends from college and i had an awesome time.
i could go on about all the nice things i have gotten to do and all the wonderful endeavors i have to look forward to, but i think the underlying point i am trying to make, as well as what i think i was trying to get at when i coined the title and description of this journal 3 whole years ago, is that despite my cake life and all the fun things i do, i still cannot help but feel unfullfilled. what could possibly be missing? this past spring time, just like every other spring time for years, despite having a great time at college, i found myself stuck in my debilitating debris of self destruction and depression (try to say that 5 times fast..) though this summer, like every summer before, i have pushed myself out of the mess my mind gets itself in, i still experience these periods of extreme down and extreme up. one day, i am feeling so amped about my life and my friends and i listen to upbeat songs and think about how easily i can relate. the next day, im feeling so sad and bored and useless to the point of severe restlessness and anger. i dont understand why it goes like that.
i also have privacy issues. i know, it is ironic to state such when here i am typing to an online journal. but the truth is, this is really for myself. no one else reads this. no one else even knows i have one, so to me, its the same as scribbling in a journal. except my hands arent as tired.
i like that this journal starts at a time when i had a serious boyfriend. my last serious boyfriend, actually. though i didnt know it at the time. i like reading the past entries.. because it makes me happy that i felt that way once. i had a very difficult breakup that carried on for far too long. i really didnt stop letting it bother me until i went away to college and occupied my mind with my new world. before that, i guess i can say maybe november 04 to august 05 was probably the worst time of my life. i know that part of my problem is that i refused to discuss my feelings with anyone, not even my best friend in the whole world, whom i have nothing against. i just didnt want to feel vulnerable, be an emotional train wreck, and also be that friend that leans on everyone and vomits up all feelings going through their head. as much as i love my friends that do that to me, i never want to exasperate someone else with problems they dont have anything to do with. xela, my best friend, lectures me constantly about this behavior. but the truth is that i like my feelings with me. anyway, during my hellish ordeal, my bottled up emotions tended to rear their ugly head externally in ways i couldnt explain or control. i lashed out at people, would suddenly start crying at the most inopportune times, and i had no idea how to express myself. i felt terrible, i was silently miserable, and more than anything, i felt so pathetic for letting one person get the absolute and utter best of me.. leaving all the people who tried to be there for me to deal with an ungrateful monster of a person who felt like she had nothing left and couldnt tell anyone about it.
even to this day, i find myself thinking about it. especially being home for summer break. home, remembering all the times i was here and in love, and here in utter pain. up at school, i knew neither of those feelings, and thus was able to get a fresh start on even ground. consequently, i have become quite attached to that place where i have such a lack of baggage.
here, i have constant reminders of my old life that, as i mentioned before, i have little left of. just memories.. which will drive you crazy in a place where the memories were once made. though i dont feel the extreme anger or the extreme sadness or even the extreme love anymore, i dont forget it, as much as id like to. and when there is little else to do but contemplate, my mind travels back to that time far too much, leaving me with this gut wrenching longing for my life to change again. i dont wish to travel back in time at all, which i suppose is the part that has changed between now and when i was going through my ordeal. i merely want the memories to go away. i desperately want for parts of my life still too fresh in my mind to become ancient history. im afraid home, the place i grew up, may never be the same again. perhaps because of these constant reminders, i should push myself away from this home. i suppose my life is destined to do something different, as i realize my time has been used up around here. i wait with great anticipation for my next maiden voyage.
Song to download: Radiohead - Let Down
currently i am passing time in new jersey, waiting waiting waiting (semi)patiently for school to start again... college, the place where i seem to have found my place. lots of friends, lots of knowledge, and more than anything, lots of new experiences. i couldnt be happier with school. i am indeed very pleased.
but besides that, what else have i got? i suppose lots of things. a great family, a good group of buddies here at home, a nice summer job. i went on some great trips with my friends and family, including spending time in florida, the adirondacks, and buffalo. i have plans to go skydiving in a few weeks. my best friend, whose family moved to florida, is coming up to stay with me in a week. these passed few days i got to see 2 of my best friends from college and i had an awesome time.
i could go on about all the nice things i have gotten to do and all the wonderful endeavors i have to look forward to, but i think the underlying point i am trying to make, as well as what i think i was trying to get at when i coined the title and description of this journal 3 whole years ago, is that despite my cake life and all the fun things i do, i still cannot help but feel unfullfilled. what could possibly be missing? this past spring time, just like every other spring time for years, despite having a great time at college, i found myself stuck in my debilitating debris of self destruction and depression (try to say that 5 times fast..) though this summer, like every summer before, i have pushed myself out of the mess my mind gets itself in, i still experience these periods of extreme down and extreme up. one day, i am feeling so amped about my life and my friends and i listen to upbeat songs and think about how easily i can relate. the next day, im feeling so sad and bored and useless to the point of severe restlessness and anger. i dont understand why it goes like that.
i also have privacy issues. i know, it is ironic to state such when here i am typing to an online journal. but the truth is, this is really for myself. no one else reads this. no one else even knows i have one, so to me, its the same as scribbling in a journal. except my hands arent as tired.
i like that this journal starts at a time when i had a serious boyfriend. my last serious boyfriend, actually. though i didnt know it at the time. i like reading the past entries.. because it makes me happy that i felt that way once. i had a very difficult breakup that carried on for far too long. i really didnt stop letting it bother me until i went away to college and occupied my mind with my new world. before that, i guess i can say maybe november 04 to august 05 was probably the worst time of my life. i know that part of my problem is that i refused to discuss my feelings with anyone, not even my best friend in the whole world, whom i have nothing against. i just didnt want to feel vulnerable, be an emotional train wreck, and also be that friend that leans on everyone and vomits up all feelings going through their head. as much as i love my friends that do that to me, i never want to exasperate someone else with problems they dont have anything to do with. xela, my best friend, lectures me constantly about this behavior. but the truth is that i like my feelings with me. anyway, during my hellish ordeal, my bottled up emotions tended to rear their ugly head externally in ways i couldnt explain or control. i lashed out at people, would suddenly start crying at the most inopportune times, and i had no idea how to express myself. i felt terrible, i was silently miserable, and more than anything, i felt so pathetic for letting one person get the absolute and utter best of me.. leaving all the people who tried to be there for me to deal with an ungrateful monster of a person who felt like she had nothing left and couldnt tell anyone about it.
even to this day, i find myself thinking about it. especially being home for summer break. home, remembering all the times i was here and in love, and here in utter pain. up at school, i knew neither of those feelings, and thus was able to get a fresh start on even ground. consequently, i have become quite attached to that place where i have such a lack of baggage.
here, i have constant reminders of my old life that, as i mentioned before, i have little left of. just memories.. which will drive you crazy in a place where the memories were once made. though i dont feel the extreme anger or the extreme sadness or even the extreme love anymore, i dont forget it, as much as id like to. and when there is little else to do but contemplate, my mind travels back to that time far too much, leaving me with this gut wrenching longing for my life to change again. i dont wish to travel back in time at all, which i suppose is the part that has changed between now and when i was going through my ordeal. i merely want the memories to go away. i desperately want for parts of my life still too fresh in my mind to become ancient history. im afraid home, the place i grew up, may never be the same again. perhaps because of these constant reminders, i should push myself away from this home. i suppose my life is destined to do something different, as i realize my time has been used up around here. i wait with great anticipation for my next maiden voyage.
Song to download: Radiohead - Let Down
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