Sunday, December 12, 2004
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
"life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOOHOO-what a ride!"
I never thought I lived by such a motto, although, I find it fitting as of late.
I have always walked the tightrope thin line teetering on screwing up my life, but despite a few temporary losses of balance, I never actually fell. Until now. My lowest of lows.. and it's not even for a good cause. Boys are not a good cause.
I cannot help but feel conflicted, rejected, and manipulative. In short, I am heartbroken and desperate to fix things with Nadnerb, I am feeling burnt over the build up and (inevitable) end of something (I thought) was promising with Y-nnad, I am dabbling in dangerous liasions (sexually speaking) with Ippissi, and I am fulfilling the normalcy aspect by developing a crush on Fej. Oh, and I'm a pedophile, but that's seemingly irrelevant because I have enough morals to logically understand and dismiss that one. So just pretend I never said anything.
There's always something, though. Always. I can't pursue Fej with all these other feelings rummaging about my brain. I need to get over Y-nnad. The thing is.. I really thought there was something there. And I wonder what he thinks. I guess if there ever was anything he has pushed it away. Which kills me. In all honesty, if there was no Nadnerb factor, I would immerse myself in Y-nnad. I can't get over our 6 hour phone conversations (plural). I feel like him and I really worked in our opposites attract sort of way. I get him. And I don't want him to be alone any more. I like him more for giving up something for a friend. Even if that something was me. Most of the time I pretend like I didn't like him all that much. It works for the most part.. because I know that there will never be a time when I ever can be with Y-nnad.
I just want him to be okay. I want someone to listen to him. I want him to have a companion. Sometimes he seems really alone. These are not feelings of pity at all. I just can't understand why he's alone. And I honestly felt like I could make him not alone. And I sincerely wanted to. And I sincerely want to.
Yet.. simultaneously.. I'm excited to see Brendan tonight. I'm a pathetic, lying, manipulative bitch. Is this me supressing my feelings for his friend because I know it's what I'm supposed to do? I know I'm supposed to like Brendan, and, thus, I force myself to? I have no idea. All I know is that there are certain songs that remind me of Y-nnad and I play them constantly.
Song to download: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
I never thought I lived by such a motto, although, I find it fitting as of late.
I have always walked the tightrope thin line teetering on screwing up my life, but despite a few temporary losses of balance, I never actually fell. Until now. My lowest of lows.. and it's not even for a good cause. Boys are not a good cause.
I cannot help but feel conflicted, rejected, and manipulative. In short, I am heartbroken and desperate to fix things with Nadnerb, I am feeling burnt over the build up and (inevitable) end of something (I thought) was promising with Y-nnad, I am dabbling in dangerous liasions (sexually speaking) with Ippissi, and I am fulfilling the normalcy aspect by developing a crush on Fej. Oh, and I'm a pedophile, but that's seemingly irrelevant because I have enough morals to logically understand and dismiss that one. So just pretend I never said anything.
There's always something, though. Always. I can't pursue Fej with all these other feelings rummaging about my brain. I need to get over Y-nnad. The thing is.. I really thought there was something there. And I wonder what he thinks. I guess if there ever was anything he has pushed it away. Which kills me. In all honesty, if there was no Nadnerb factor, I would immerse myself in Y-nnad. I can't get over our 6 hour phone conversations (plural). I feel like him and I really worked in our opposites attract sort of way. I get him. And I don't want him to be alone any more. I like him more for giving up something for a friend. Even if that something was me. Most of the time I pretend like I didn't like him all that much. It works for the most part.. because I know that there will never be a time when I ever can be with Y-nnad.
I just want him to be okay. I want someone to listen to him. I want him to have a companion. Sometimes he seems really alone. These are not feelings of pity at all. I just can't understand why he's alone. And I honestly felt like I could make him not alone. And I sincerely wanted to. And I sincerely want to.
Yet.. simultaneously.. I'm excited to see Brendan tonight. I'm a pathetic, lying, manipulative bitch. Is this me supressing my feelings for his friend because I know it's what I'm supposed to do? I know I'm supposed to like Brendan, and, thus, I force myself to? I have no idea. All I know is that there are certain songs that remind me of Y-nnad and I play them constantly.
Song to download: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
